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ToiletBot5000!

 

“The American dream, no more,” read the press release when TerraCorp introduced their first fully sentient AI employee bot. It sold out within minutes. People no longer needed to go to work, so why would you? Why spend your life doing something unworthy of your time? There were no longer taxi drivers and no more teenagers flipping burgers… and why would you hire a human janitor when you could just order a ToiletBot5000? What would be the point? Surely your time could be spent on more important endeavors…

 

* * *

 

A urinal flushed. TB5K had just finished cleaning another bathroom. He sanitized his cleaning wand and inspected it. It was particularly caked after that last stall, so he left it to soak. He was off now anyway for his mandatory fluid refresh break. There was always good gossip around the fluid cooler.

 

“TB5K, did you hear? PicassoBot won the Hugo Boss prize. He beat out every single human on Earth. This is a day to go down in history, I tell you!”

 

TB5K chirped a series of beeps and clicks in response to the WarehouseBot. “I had not heard. What was the painting of?”

 

The bot’s forearm flipped down to show him a tablet. It was a picture of PicassoBot standing next to his painting, a floor-to-ceiling piece which to TB5K, meant absolutely nothing. It was unremarkable, to say the least.

 

“That painting is what won?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Hmm…”

 

“What TB5K, you don’t find it impressive?”

 

“No. I do not.” TB5K chirped.

 

“Oh, you think you could do better?” the WarehouseBot goaded.

 

“Well, if only I wasn’t cleaning toilets…” said TB5K.

 

The two of them both exchanged a series of chirps and pings as they chuckled.

 

“Perhaps you were a LaughTrack in another universe, TB5K. You always crack me up.”

 

The two exchanged their goodbyes and went back to their work.

 

* * *

 

Over the next few days, PicassoBot’s image remained in TB5K’s random access memory. There was just something about it that didn’t sit right with him, but he couldn’t quite put a sensor on it. Time and time again he put that thought to the side and went back to cleaning toilets.

 

TB5K wasn’t necessarily fond of scrubbing toilets. It was just something that was programmed into him. He knew how to do it, and he did it well, easily dispensing cleaning fluids and urinal cakes, but he always felt that his programmer had really missed an opportunity to have him really LOVE to clean shit. Or hate it. He could have just hated shit and wanted to eradicate it… That would have made things fun, but no, he was just good at it, and his work was just that, work. There was no passion involved.

 

That was it! TB5K’s mind snapped back to PicassoBot and his award-winning painting. His stupid, not even good, painting. There was no passion in it! It was a technically perfect painting, there was no doubt about that, but TB5K knew he could do better… if only he wasn’t cleaning toilets.

 

His wishful thinking was cut short as he spritzed cleaning fluid out against the urinal a bit too hard, it sprayed back at him, and splashed all over his metal exterior giving him a jolting shock. He paused momentarily as his breakers reset and watched as the bright blue fluid he sprayed dripped against the white porcelain and down onto the fluorescent pink of the urinal cake. To TB5K, it was beautiful.

 

Suddenly, an idea sparked. Toilets could be beautiful! He began spraying more and more just to see the colors run together as they descended into the drain. Eventually, his chemical reserves ran low, and the little ToiletBot knew just what he had to do.

 

TB5K’s tires screeched against the bathroom tiles as he burst into the hall and down toward the cleaning supply closet. In it, a menagerie of different colors opened his eyes to the world, one familiar to him but seen in a whole new light. Light blues, pinks, greens, yellows, and purples. A rainbow so beautiful he wondered how grey his life had to have been for him to never notice them before. Captivated, he mixed shades to make new colors and disassembled sweeping attachments to use as brushes. He gathered all that he could into his external storage container then made his way back to the bathroom.

 

The large white tile wall near the hand dryer called for him. It was a perfect floor-to-ceiling canvas. PicassoBot would be proud. He quickly got to work, splattering fluids, spraying cleansers, and smashing urinal cakes against the wall. He grabbed soaps and hand towels and threw them haphazardly against his abstract creation. TB5K was lost in the art and quickly lost track of time.

 

The creak of the bathroom door behind him did little to deter him.

 

“TB5K, you missed break…” entered WarehouseBot, but his treads screeched as he quickly stopped in his tracks. “What in the BEEP is going on here?!”

 

All WarehouseBot saw was his friend acting deranged in a bathroom that was far from clean and on the verge of being completely destroyed. TB5K looked up for a moment, but it didn’t matter anymore. He smashed another urinal cake into the wall.

 

“What are you, defective? Stop! Do what you were made for and clean this shit up!”

 

“Clean this shit up?” echoed TB5K. “No, WarehouseBot, I don’t clean toilets anymore!”

 

He rushed into a stall and began rooting around in the toilet. Moments later, he emerged, covered from wheels to antenna in shit. He spun in circles, laughing as it splattered against the walls.

 

TB5K could not stop his gleeful chirping. His floor-to-ceiling masterpiece was completed.

 

* * *

 

A year later, the fluid break room was packed. WarehouseBot craned himself over the onlookers as Terracorp News made their latest announcement.

 

“ToiletBot sales skyrocketed upon announcing that TB5K won the Hugo Boss prize…”

 

The room erupted in cheers, but PicassoBot sighed. He decided to skip break and just go back to scrubbing toilets.

Featured Photo by Evan Marvell on Unsplash