In Flux

The end of the year is always a tumultuous time for people. Seasons are changing, the weather is frigid, work is hectic, families are forced to bond over holiday festivities and that’s always a pain in the ass.

My end of year is complicated more so by the ending of a year long lease I share with my girlfriend. Normally this would not be a problem, we are happy where we live in the Outer Sunset,  but we are currently tasked with dealing with her expiring visa. She’s attempted to find a sponsor through her work and was led to believe she had one only to have it ripped away from her at the last moment by an untrustworthy manager with one foot out the door. She rebounded though, and found a work around, only to be told that the college she was hoping to attend won’t accept her because she is too well educated. I, on the other hand, was allowed to attend the same college even though I have a similar degree because I don’t need a visa. Such is my American privilege.

Where does this leave her? Stuck in a state of limbo somewhere between the United States where she has lived since the age of 14, and South Korea where she is too culturally “American” to ever feel truly at home.  “You’ve gotten your American education foreigner, get the fuck out of our country.” is how she feels at this point and I don’t blame her for feeling that way. The security of knowing where you will lay your head at night is intrinsic to solid mental health and she is being deprived of this.

Meanwhile, here I am, the asshole boyfriend who has a key to her stabilty in the form of a wedding ring and marriage license and I am too unsure of our relationship to fully pull that trigger at this point. We’ve known each other just over a year and a half, and been dating most of that time, and now I have a deadline of only a few months from now to decide if this is the story I want for my life. We’ve both said that’s not what we want, “Not a green card marriage.” That’s what we’ve said to eachother, but a certain part of me feels that if I offered my hand in marriage she would accept it and the turmoils of her life would be settled, at least for the moment.

So why don’t I do it? Man up and bite the bullet to improve someone’s life. Someone you care about and are willing to live with for over a year already. What’s holding you back? Fear of settling down. Fear of settling.  Fear of making  the wrong decision for me and for her. Hope that the Universe will provide an alternate course for her to take.

Will it? No clue, but if it doesn’t we are both out on our asses come New year’s Eve because no way can I afford this one bedroom apartment in SF’s current housing market without her.

*sigh*

Life’s tough yo, and it’s cold in the city right now.