Why does it never fail that October begins a series of self reflections for me? Often times as Fall falls upon us, and the summer heat wave of October drifts into November, I find my brain tearing itself one way or another, or rather, apart altogether.
Sigh.
To reflect upon a sign which once hung above my grandfather’s stove, and has since been passed along to me:
“Of all the things I’ve lost… I miss my mind the most.”
Perhaps I have just been shutting down my mind as I have been preoccupied with my (much longer than) “9-5 grind”. I think I’ve been just keeping myself so busy with work and side projects that I’ve neglected to give myself anytime for myself, and as such, I’ve now hit a wall where everything is on my plate and well, shucks, I’m just not hungry right now. Can I get to this later? I just want to go to my room, curl up into a ball of covers and wait for winter to be over.
But life doesn’t work like that. So let’s process some emotions like the grown ups we are:
Q) Why are you feeling anxious?
A) Because expectations never are reality and that is both good and bad and totally a waste of time worrying about and yet here I am not even worrying about them but just getting frustrated that I don’t have everything figured out perfectly already.
Q) Is there an easy solution to the troubles you have encountered?
A) Not without blowing up my life completely I am afraid.
Q) Does blowing up your life make you afraid?
A) Of course it does. What more can a man ask for but for a long and pleasant life with that of few complications and unpleasantries?
Q) So why would you willingly force such unpleasantness and complication upon yourself?
A) Because an unfulfilled life is the tombstone atop a remarkable man’s untimely grave which reads in a bold helvetica font – “He blew his fucking brains out bro.“
Q) Woah, well, that is a bit intense. Do you have thoughts such as that?
A) Nah, far from it. I love myself way too much to ever self harm. I may love myself so much that I can’t ever quite figure out how to love anything else, but that sort of narcissistic split personality syndrome is something we can figure out during Gemini season. Back to your question: Nah, far from it. I love myself like Kanye loves Kanye. BTW, He’s also a gemini.
Q) Good to hear. It sounds like you just need to talk to someone.
A) Its finding the right person to talk to thats the problem. Its always hard to talk to people about things that they may be involved in without them taking offense to the things you want to get off your mind. That’s why I am talking to you.
Q) You realize you are talking to yourself, right?
A) Of course I realize that I am responding to myself in a series of back and forth question and answers on a blog on the internet on a self-published website that I pour my heart into as just a void I can shout into whenever I need to get something out of the rabid confines of my mind.
Q) Well as long as you are aware of tha-
SHUT THE FUCK UP.
Emotions processed. So where does that leave me? Still bundled up in San Francisco as the cold air begins to close in on us. Soon enough the ice skating rink will go up in Union Square, as will the tree, and then we can gather around it and be merry and who am I kidding bruh there is no way to fake this shit.
I need a change of seasons.
Related Posts
National Novel Writers Month 2023
A blog update about my work during November 2023 on 50,000 words of a novel I…